Monster

Last night, a few of us went to our favorite watering hole to hang out and have a few Ginger Ale’s. After downing a couple drinks and ogling a few ladies, we went outside and hit the bar’s outdoor volleyball court. About a half hour into our battle royal, a huge group of smokin’ hot super babes noticed the immense collection of prime man meat sweating it out on the sand, and decided to get in on the action.

As the night wore on, our once small game became a pretty decent collection of people, more than two thirds of which were ladies. After one particularly brutal game, I walked off the court in order to take a piss. Since the only bathroom was inside of the bar, I sat on the bleachers and grabbed my shoes.

While throwing on my kicks, I began to talk with the females watching the game. I joked with them about my insane skills, and they commented on my sick athletic prowess. After throwing on my first shoe I reached for the second and accidentally knocked it over. When I bent over to pick it up I saw the biggest furriest spider crawl out from inside of my overturned New Balance. It looked like the spider from Lord of the Rings, only bigger and with larger teeth.

Instantly I screamed, and leapt into the arms of the guy next to me.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Kill it! Kill it!” I cried as hot tears streamed down my face. “Please God kill it.”

“Dude, it’s just a spider.” One of the girls said with a look of disgust on her face. “What is your problem?”

My problem was that I hate spiders. Hate them the way that the French hate soap. I especially hate them when they’re twice as big as I am.

I tried to explain this to the startled crowd while I screamed and begged for them to kill my hairy attacker. But instead of helping me, they only laughed and pitied everything I am.

All of the social capital that I had spent the entire night building was gone. To these people I was a bitch. A scared little bitch. Which sucks, but it’s a lot better than not seeing the brute and having it lay huge spider babies in my foot.