Big Girls Don't Cry

For the record, I hate writing tickets. Unless I see someone blow through a red light, or catch them driving down the road with a fifth of Beam in one hand, and their wiener in the other, I could honestly care less. Plus, once I stop someone, I know that I’ll have to listen to them piss and moan about how “evil” and “mean” I am.

At about 10:00PM last night I was heading to 7-11 in order to ensure that there was no crime by the slurpee machine, when this chick passed me at like 20 over. Though it may be hard to believe that a female driver would be so reckless on the road, I assure you, this is a true story.

I was torn. On one hand I was really in the mood for a frosty cool slurpee, but on the other, I was really low on tickets and this was a pretty simple stop.

After a quick debate I turned around and stopped the car. When I walked up to the window I saw the chick bawling uncontrollably.

“Damnit.”

After a few agonizing minutes, the lady calmed herself down enough to lower her window. When I finally got her information, I told her that she was speeding. Instantly, the skank began to act like I had raped her newborn children. She shrieked and wailed inconsolably. Through her massive tears she told me that she was speeding because her car was about to break down and she wanted to get home.

Now, lots of people ask me if I let crying girls off with a warning. My short answer is no. I’m not going to give every chick that speeds a break just because they’re too much of a pussy to accept their ticket. I mean, after all, if I never wrote bad female drivers tickets, I wouldn’t be able to write anyone.

When I returned to the lady’s car, I handed her the skid. Instantly, her tears vanished and her once unbearable grief turned to rage. “Oh, thanks a lot,” she yelled. “My car’s not working and you give me this!”

As she continued to berate me I smiled. This fat hag had tried the oldest trick in the book, and I had called her bluff. All she had to do was show me her boobs and she would have been on her way.